I'm a WHAT?!

Somebody asked me about the beautiful steelhead I'm holding in my profile picture.

"Oh, " I explained, "It was a 12 or 13 pound hen I caught on the Whoogeewhoochi river a month or two ago."

"No," she clarified. "I know what it is. I'm wondering why a vegan has a photograph of a dead animal on his profile."

I chuckled indulgently. "Why would you think I'm a vegan?"

"Uh...your diet. It's vegan, you know."

...two, three, four, "Nuh uh!" I responded defensively.

"Yeah huh," she spat quickly, raising her eyebrows. I recognized the look as the one smart people often display when they explain things to me for the third time.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa...." I shook my head, buying time in hopes of the imminent arrival of a cogent thought. Nothing.

"What do you think a vegan is, Mac...an alien?"

"Well," I assumed a confident pose. "Maybe kind of like that. I mean, they wear funny clothes and smell like patchouli oil...right?"

She shook her head. "A vegan is somebody who doesn't eat anything derived from animals; no meat, chicken, fish, butter, eggs..."

I held up my hand and assured her I am not a vegan. I admit that my diet currently is void of those things she mentioned, but that I wear normal clothes and use deodorant. Besides, This is a diet plan developed by a firefighter...almost as manly as a cop. No way would he be a vegan...he just eats by the Engine 2 diet plan.

"Which," she spoke slowly and clearly, "is vegan."

I turned around slowly and walked away...often my best comeback option. Yes, I concluded after some research, maybe I am eating a vegan diet...but does that alone make me a vegan? Will I always be a vegan now...is it like hepatitis C? Now that I've been seduced into it, will I always have it?

Deep questions for a shallow mind. This is an issue upon which I shall dwell and ponder.

My brain hurts, so I'm switching to the much simpler task of reporting our diet program adventures. I shopped Safeway for products that would fit into our eating program. I found some stuff that works and know we'll have to find some of the items in one of those stores.

Both LG and I "feasted" on left over "lasagna" for lunch. I ate a huge plate and afterward felt very full of vegetables, yet very hungry. I worried that, perhaps, my stomach had rebelled from this eating program and disconnected itself from the rest of my digestive system. I wouldn't blame it. After a few minutes of panic I forgot about that, my attention seized by a shiny object.

After an hour, I found myself cleaning the kitchen and realized that I wasn't hungry. Cool. So, while my stomach may, in fact, be rebelling, it will eventually release the fodder into the necessary tubes and stuff. Since LG had been doing more than the working girl's share of the cooking, I decided to pull together something we could have for dinner when she walked in the door. Preferably something that didn't smell like vegetables.

I spent the next thirty minutes focused on the obligatory task of rinsing and chopping brightly colored things like red bell peppers, green onions and avocados. Some fake hamburger created for those of us who are not truly vegans, a block of extra firm tofu, oregano, cumin, chilli powder and black pepper filled the frying pan, which looked a little depressed at not getting its usual bath of olive oil while heating. But, the aroma in the kitchen was unmistakably Mexican...not a hint of vegetable scent.

We dined together at the kitchen counter. I ate one "burrito", encased in a vegan whole grain, "complete protein" wrap. It weighed in just slightly less than my steelhead. By the time the kitchen was cleaned up, I felt...what do you call it...oh yeah, FULL! Not only that, I felt satisfied. I must have inadvertently added some taboo ingredient. I reviewed my food prep process and determined that I was, inexplicably, feeling good after a real vegan dinner. I shuddered.

So, that's all I have to say about our diet today. I'm feeling pretty full after our cooked cereal and fruit bowl this morning too. I'm sure it won't last. Only a vegan could enjoy eating like this permanently.